Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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