So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
