whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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