i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
