he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
