thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
