he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
