sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
