yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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