you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize