remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
