girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
