Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
