I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my mouth tastes like poor choices
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
