He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
