I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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