one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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