Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
