This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
