Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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