At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
