I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
