It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
