I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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