I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
