Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
is it fun? or sober?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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