so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I don't deserve a penis
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The uberlube is also flammable
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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