Screwed.edu
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
