He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
