His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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