Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
