Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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