So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
