I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
