I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
