I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize