I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
