I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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