I wish my penis had an off switch
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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