Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
