Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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