Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
