Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
