oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
