I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
