Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
