dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He felt like a one man threesome
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
