Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
