You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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