Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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