FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
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