I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
