I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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