Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
