mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
we should paint friendship bongs
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