my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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